Tom

Thomas Mignerey
1942-2013

Below are excerpts of emails, letters or texts that were sent to me during the bereavement.  I always underestimate the power of family and friendship when going through a difficult time.  Some offered hugs and to hold my hand.  Some offered food when they knew I would need it.  Some offered the empathy that I so desperately needed.  Most of all, all of you prayed.  We felt those prayers.

• I will be praying for you and your family during your hours of bereavement. God will strengthen you all through these times.
• Thinking of you, Michelle and your entire family. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do for you. I love you and I am so very blessed to call you one of my best friends!
• I'm so sorry Michelle Our prayers are with you and your family. There is comfort in knowing that those who struggled in life are now at peace. We all have to hang on to that and remember the good.
• Praying for you, Tyler, Rad and your families. Loss is hard no matter the circumstance. So sorry. ((Hugs))
• Michelle, I am sorry. I almost asked you about your Dad several times lately but the timing never seemed right to open the conversation. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! Losing someone is never easy - sending lots of love! Lylas!
• Love and prayers to you, Tyler and Rad. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Love and hugs! 
• My thoughts are with you Michelle since Tyler texted me last night...I spoke with Tyler today....y'all are amazing people & It does bring some comfort that everyone is at peace now, although it is still sad, I pray y'all will have strength to get through this. Of course, you & Tyler know I'm here if you need anything!! Hugs & love to you, Ty, and Rad!!
• Michelle I am very sorry to hear about your dad. I saw him a few months ago at the church one Sunday morning and since that day I have prayed for him and you guys many times. I will continue to lift y'all up.
• Shell, so sorry to hear about Tom. All of you will continue to be in my prayers. We are long overdue for a skull session. Love you!
• Michelle, I am so sorry. I will be thinking about and praying for you, Tyler, Rad, and your families. Sending you a BIG hug and lots of love! 
• Sending all of you a big hug and a wave of peace. Lots of love to you!!
• Gosh Michelle, so sorry this has happened. You all are in our thoughts and prayers. Things happen for a reason. Hang in there, if you need anything, please let us know.
• We are sorry to hear about Tom's death. In a way, he was a tortured soul, so hopefully he is at peace now. We're just sorry that you all had a tough time growing up after your mother died. We are thinking of you.

I hesitate to write of the deceased because he is not here.  But, it is also cathartic to write about it. One of the big lessons that I learned about this was to be honest.  I'm not the only person to deal with a parent that was an alcoholic.  I had to come to peace with that a long time ago.  Some of my friends and family send words that only if you've experienced would understand (see below), but help me sort the myriad of emotions when dealing with the loss of a parent.

• Michelle, you have my sympathy and empathy in the loss of your father. In truth, when my father died, I mourned the loss of the man he could have been (and should have been) more than the man he had become.  I still do.  I try instead to focus on the happy memories and the lesson he taught me- both good and bad.
• Michelle, you have been a remarkable lady through the  death of your mother.  The sadness of her death must have given you the addressed focus to what you had to do.  We know she was a beautiful lady.  You had to assume such immense responsibility at a very important time.  Your faith made you whole.  The death of your daddy will again give you another and different sense of you you are.  Michelle, your gentle, sweet spirit coupled with you you are in Christ will again sustain you.  My daughter never knew my daddy and I'm so grateful.  He was not the man I would have wanted her to know or be around.  He was an alcoholic coupled with just not a nice person.

Through all of this, I am again reminded that I am not alone.  I've been blessed to call many people my family and friends.

The Navy Chaplain called me the day before the service and asked me to type up pertinent information to reflect who Tom was.  How do you type up something like that?  I consulted Google and put: "eulogy for an alcoholic ______" immediately, mother, father, son, daughter, husband, wife.  I guess they are a few more of us out there that had a loved one with an alcohol problem.  I thought I would be clicking on spiritual or professional links-- instead all of them were just like this:  personal blogs.  I probably spent an hour reading them.  All in all, I gathered that it was difficult to turn the person into a saint, but everyone is a sinner. It was the torturous process of transformation.  Tom lived two lives within one lifetime.  There was good Tom who was really good—had a heart of generosity and compassion. Good Tom was a man of full of promise and good intentions. He ultimately could not outrun his demons. The basics were to focus on the good and the peace of Heaven.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-29

God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted  Matthew 5:4

Food from the Church

Flowers at the Service

Memorial Pavilion

Marine Corps Honor Guard

The service was beautiful and Tom would have loved it.

When Prayers Go Up, Blessings Come Down

 Go, go, go. 

I used to feel like this dog.

 The last year tested my resolve.  I was going into too many directions.  I wasn't making my family time a priority.  


As a result:

• I ate too much
• Tired all the time
• Spent money without thinking it through
• Didn't exercise
• Didn't read the Bible or do a devotion consistently
• Felt like I was walking in wet concrete

I'm not joking when I sat in church last spring praying for guidance on how to make my life more manageable.  Now, keep in mind, I know how blessed I am.  I never could have imagined having the husband and children that God selected for me.  I am blessed exponentially.  God was part of my life, but I sort of had Him on "the other line".  It was the day to day details that were just wearing me down.  On that particular Sunday, it all became so clear.  I knew that I had to resign from committees.  These committees would go on just fine without me.  I will continue to be glad to help others, but I'm no longer "in charge".  




I always thought taking care of young children was going to be the most demanding time as a mother.  But, my sons are teenagers now.  They need my time and attention as much as they did as babies and toddlers (just in a different way).  I'm reading a book now called:

There is the original marriage love  language book, too.

Each teenage has a "love language".  It words of affirmation, quality time, gifts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch.  It sounds odd, but personality wise, each teen fits into one or two categories.  I'm about half way through the book.  So far, I've figured out the love language of one teen, one teen to go.


After this epiphany, I started Weight Watchers (again) online.  But, this time I have stuck with it for almost 3 months. The weight loss has been slow, but that is fine with me.  I truly feel better and have more energy.  Dairy Queen is still a temptation, but I can save my points for a chocolate extreme mini-blizzard.

My absolute favorite dessert- ever!

I also started walking 5 miles each weekday morning with a group of friends.  We like to go early to beat the heat and start the day off exercising.  There is truth in exercising with friends.  When you really don't feel like it, you know they are waiting on you.  Once you get started, you can't imagine not doing it.
I also found motivation in the ABC TV show  Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition with Chris Powell.  Chris is wonderful!  I like it better than Biggest Loser because people are not sequestered to a ranch.  People have to stay in their regular environment and deal with the challenges of weight loss.  I especially identify with the women because I am a woman, duh!

Chris is a real motivator!

I happened to read about an online Bible study for women on another blog.  What I liked was that  you keep a journal.  I always keep a journal.  But, this is a journal on His word.  I write down parts of the daily passage that I want to keep and I'm able to write down my reflections.  I also write down prayer requests.  It is neat to flip back and forth on the different days of the journal.

Started by a group of friends and grew from there

By reading daily, I am finding scripture that helps me with my day to day stresses.  I'm sorry that it took me 42 years to figure that out!  I use the You Version app on my phone.


Lastly, by getting my physical, and spiritual life together, would you believe my financial piece has fallen into place, too?  I read an article in Ladies Home Journal (It was the one with Ann Curry on the front cover- August 2012, I think) about a woman who doesn't buy anything unless she absolutely has to.  She also writes a blog called the Non-Consumer Advocate.  She is funny and sarcastic, which is right up my alley.  Her motto is:  "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without".  So when all those catalogs find their way to my mailbox and I'm so tempted:  I run Ms. Non-Consumer Advocate's motto through my mind.  You would be surprised how many items I talked myself out of at Ikea last weekend.  I find myself asking:  "do I need this, or do I WANT this?".  I will say, I do live in a geographically disadvantaged area.  If I can buy local, I do.  There are just some things you have to go to a city for...thus, sometimes I have to stock up because I'm in the city.


I also found a powerful blog post:  http://receiveandbreathe.blogspot.com/2012/07/not-enough.htm
It was a reminder of how the Bible views money.  Trust me, it is worth your time to read!


I'm not perfect and I'm sure I will continue to stumble or want to get back on the hamster wheel.  Yet, I have found:
When Prayers Go Up, Blessings Come Down